Dreams.

I had a very odd dream last night. Actually its been something Ive been wanting to do for a long time so my dream was sort of like an added bonus. I had a dream that I finally just snapped in my fifth hour class. Honestly Ive never hated going to a class more than that one, and its one of my favorite classes. Ive never met more heartless rude people in my entire life. I didnt even know people could live with themselves being that rude to somebody. I guess its just part of whats out there in the world I guess.

Blue Like Jazz

does anyone have this book because I really want to read it.

anyway...I cant wait for spring break. Dinner and the hockey game sound amazing right now. Guess what else does too....SLEEP. Im so glad its the weekend.

The phone is ringing...

so the phone rings like 10 minutes ago and its a cell phone number, I dont recognize it I yell for my dad, i dont answer calls I dont know, I dont know why. He's yelling wheres the phone. I yell back in my hand. Im calmly telling him I dont know who it is for him to take it. In the process of him FLIPPING out over nothing the answering machine picks up and they leave no message. He decides hmmm how can I handle this calmly or flip out and see if I can cheer my kid up a little more. So thank you for flipping out of the stupiest thing in the world. This is now day 31 of the ongoing life I am living.

March 26, 2007 ten years later.

When I walked into school this morning I came and talked to Ms. E and she asked me the "trivia question" and it took me like three hints and like five minutes of just thinking before it finally occured to me. I even blogged about it earlier this year but I was in somewhat of shock when it hit me that its already been ten years since that fight. I dont even think I can fully comprehened how much hockey has changed since that rival first started. We barely even play Colorado anymore. Hockey isnt even close to as eventful as it use to be. I was sitting in my house on Saturday watching the game and I saw that hit Brett Lebda took and was thinking to myself, can you even imagine if Mac, Shanny, or even go far back to Probert, how Nemina would have been bleeding on the ice in a matter of seconds. Im not saying the wings arent tough anymore but that element of hockey was definatly lost, not to mention the rediculous calls the refs make. Bertuzzi however shocked me with the hit he made Saturday and just how fast hes getting back. During the intermission they were showing clips from the fight and Red Wings Weekly was completly dedicated to it, but I remember looking at it and just knowing Shanny is about to fly into the air, Vernon and Roy fight...now, and just knowing what is going to happen and for the FIRST time I looked further than just them fighting. I saw in the back none other than Nick Lidstrom in the brawl. I've never seem something more amazing in my entire life. Im not even sure if he was actually fighing but the fact that he was on the ice when all of that happened just amazed me. He is the one person Ive always wanted to just see lay somebody out. He's definatly gotten a lot tougher with the new rules so I've been pretty impressed but wow. It was amazing.

GOOD NEWS.

Everything is starting to go back to normal and im so excited I cant even comprehend what im trying to write in this.
They took my grandma off the vent again last night. She has gone 17 hours without it and once she hits 24 hours its considered sucessful. When she was put in ICU last friday I wrote "Hi Nanny. We Love You." and yesterday when I went and saw her she was making my uncle take down all the cards from the board and then pointed at me and showed me what I wrote. She made my mom wash it off and then asked her where her clothes were. She thought she could go home my mom started laughing and was like crazy its been like 2 hours. not yet. Shes been really funny. So Im going back up there yet again today but I did finally go out yesterday. I went to dinner and a movie with my cousin and our friend. We went to Olive Garden and the went and saw "Shooter" which was really good. I didnt want to originally see it but I thought it was really good. It kind of reminded me of the Borne Identity almost a little to much but it was still good. Anyway just wanted to update you guys I have to go do homework and what not finally. Hope everyones weekend was good!

Update...

My grandma is doing a lot better. I still have no idea when she will be out of the hospital and Im sure until she can live I will continue to live at the hospital. I just want normal food and a homecooked meal. Im so sick of the disgusting food that they serve and the hospital. I still have a hard time sleeping, Im not sure if that will change. On a side note, my uncle who usualy get me my wings tickets and concert tickets got a list from me. I love when summer comes, concerts are the best. Ive been to so many and this summer I will be mobile so I cant wait. I really want to go to some more wings games before the season ends but I doubt it with everything thats going on. Last year I went to a playoff game so that would be fun to do but I dont know....

Iris.

Im analyzing the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls for my literary project. Listening to that song makes me think so much, it always has. Even though it was written for the movie its still one of those songs that could pertain to ANYTHING in life...enjoy.

And I'd give up forever to touch you Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now Verse 2 And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life Cause sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight Chorus And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am Verse 3 And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything seems like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know your alive Chorus And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am Chorus I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am

-----

I cant believe it's the end of the marking period. My grades are so bad right now, Im a nervous wreck. I think Im going to make my mom go to parent teacher confrences next wednesday. I've had so much going on lately that not only am I far behind in a lot of my classes, I havent had any time to do my homework. My parents dont push me the way that I need to be pushed. It drives me crazy. Im failing my AP class, Im doing so bad at it and I like history, I know history, but would I ever pass an AP US history test...nope. The only class Im even doing good in is this class and my jewelry class. Thats sad. Im like B or C in all of my other classes. Thats so bad. I have to work like a million times harder next marking period. I need everything to go back to normal and I need to be back to where I was before. I was doing so good in my classes and everything and then my aunt passed away and everything in my life started to spiral out of control and every since then...its been bad.

its raining.

I went to the hospital yesterday and saw my grandma, they are thinking they will take her off the ventilator today. I want to talk to her so bad. My knee hurts really bad, I hate when it rains because it makes my knee hurt like a million times more. I dont know why. I've been working on a lot of my projects ( literary and cultural) and Im getting pretty far. I watched parts of city of angels the other day and I forgot how much I loved that movie. It makes me love the Goo Goo Dolls even more when I hear the song during that scene of the movie. You guys will see it if I decide to play it for you or not. I dont know if I should. You guys should let me know.

This Quote is Amazing

"What's true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not. "


My grandma was moved into intesive care last night, why I wasnt in class yet again today. I only think so much can happen to one human being before they snap. Im about to go rent "What dreams may come" since I missed it, not to mention cried my poor little eyes out because really sad and my fifth hour class as a whole has no respect not to mention a soul. Today while we were at the hospital the pastor who did my aunts memorial came up and was talking to us and then he had us pray. I want to go to church again. I use to go when I was little with my neighbor until she moved. I told my aunt now I feel obligated to go so we might start going.
They said she had congestive heart failure, which means fluid filled her heart and lungs, so they put her on dialisis (spelling?) and shes doing so much better. She's on a ventilater and I couldnt go back and see her I was so scared and when I did I honeslty think its the best Ive seen her look all week. Hopefully everything will go back to normal again. All I want is my family back.

broadway is dark tonight

My titles keep being the songs Im listening to haha...
I was sitting in the hospital yesterday reading my book for world lit and I fell asleep. It all caught up to me finally. Im drained. I need a night to myself and just time to myself in general. Today I will be continuing this but like I was told today "without the issues that happen with life can you even imagine how bored you would be?" I wish I didnt have these issues but it is perfect sense. Im kind of sick of being uphappy so I decided no matter how mad I get and how upset I get I will not dig myself into a whole as big as I did. Everything just kept getting worse. I also decided Im not going to take it out on other people. I've found myself lately getting so frusterated Im yelling at my mom and dad and thats something that I dont like doing because I feel so bad about it but I cant help it. A recap about everything thats going on, my grandma is in the hospital. She's going to be ok. She started to go into a depression because of what happened to my aunt (her daughter) and she stopped eating and started getting really sick. So overall the doctor said she had a mild heartattack and her kidneys are starting to fail but she will be okay they said her kidneys can be saved and basically she has to hydrate herself again or as my mom said "re dehydrate..hydrat....(long pause and she looks up at me) I dont think Ive laughed that hard in a while. I just look at her and was like stop making up words and she started laughing. Anyway...ACT/MME is not fun at all however it does go by really quick. I wish juniors got a day off now I dont think its fair that everyone else got the day off. Im kind of sick of sitting though, like when I get to class I dont want to sit anymore this is killing me....

dont come back with me.

wasteland by Augustana has been the only song I listen to anymore. It explains almost exactly how I feel.

Im just to the point where all I do now anytime I talk to somebody is cry. I was doing so good with keeping myself together and making everyone think I was happy but Im sorry I cant do it anymore. So if Im sitting in class and Im crying or in the hall crying honestly just leave me alone dont even ask me whats wrong it wont help.

My grandma is in the hospital now by the way. They arent sure what is wrong with her. She hasnt felt good lately and I honeslt think its because everything that happened with my aunt hit her and she cant handle it. I just want my family back. I want everything to be back to normal again.

Im so over all of this....

Im done trying to make people happy and pretend like everything in my life is perfect. Im sick of trying to make people feel better about themselves and Im sick of everything in generl.
Ive had to bad of a week...actually lets go with month to deal with this. I no longer have an aunt who raised me and my cousin like one of her own. I no longer have a best friend. I no loger have friends in general. I no longer do anything except sit at home or sit at my aunts with my family. Im sick of people being mean to me and pretend like its okay. Im sick of my mom saying im obsessive and i need to stop. Im sick of my 5th hour class in general. Im sick of just all of the drama that goes on in this world. Im over so much stuff right now including crying. I cannot believe how many times in the last month I have been on the verge of crying while Im at school. Im sick of people talking about people behind their backs and Im sick of not being good enough for anyone.

I hope everyone is satisfied with themselves.

I tried.

I tried to talk to you but you wouldnt listen.
I tried to make amends but you stabbed me in the back.
I tried to fix things but you still wouldnt listen.
I tried to talk to you again but all you did was lack.

We were best friend but then something happened.
We were inseperable but then you had a new friend.
We were still together a little but something else happened.
We were not talking but you still have a new friend.

She is my friend too but you wont let her.
She is a nice person but you wouldnt let me see that.
She is taking my place and Im jealous of her.
She is not my friend (at least i think) because you still wont let her.

I tried again to fix things but all you did was ignore me.
I tried again to make amends but I was still stabbed in the back.
I tried again to fix things but you wanted nothing to do with me.
I tried again to fix things but you wouldnt listen.

I dont understand people.

So yesterday I tried to make amends with my friend who I have no been getting along with lately. I finally called her out on everything and told her about how I feel. Well she was at work so I did it through a myspace message figuring I could probally get everything out better in writing. Well this morning when I wake up I look to see if she messaged me back or anything but what do I find. That she forwarded it to one of her other friends who is the main problem out of all of this. I was so hurt by this that I literally just stared at the computer screen, and when I finally went back into my room I took the picture of me and her that was on my dresser and I threw it across my room. I dont think I have ever been this mad in my entire life. I also dont think I have ever been this hurt by a friend either.
Also today, I dont think I've ever met more immature rude people in my entire life. My fifth hour world lit class is rediculous. I was one of only two who actually did the reading the Ms. E assigned and everyone else just made excuses about how reading 10 pages was impossible and a rediculous assignment. I dont even think you guys can understand my rage. These past two weeks have been the worse in my entire life, like I though nothing else could happen but from more just happening I dont even know what to do.
I need this weekend to clear my head. I dont think I have slept a full night in a good 13 days. I'm never really hungry, and when I am I can take like 3 bites and Im full. I use to be like that when Im little as well as the migranes. I use to get them ALL the time when I was little and they are coming back really bad and ALL the time again. I have no idea what to do.

As if this week couldnt get any better

I dont know if Im just wayyy to stressed out or what but Im so done pretending like Im ok with the way people treat me. Im so sick of people being immature and rude. Im sick of people saying "this is gay" (use the right term thats so rude and Im not going to lie I know people who are gay and that offends me personally...a lot.) and saying " thats retarted" If you think something is stupid then just say its stupid. People need to grow up.

:) thank you for your time.